He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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