So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
