The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
