ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
