oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
