so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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