hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
