well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
