Betty ford says i'm here all night
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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