I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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