The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
