Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
