how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
