Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
