Pappa wants mamma naked
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
