I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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