hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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