I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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