I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I did not marry a roomba.
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