K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
