I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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