i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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