If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
