I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
