I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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