So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
