Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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