but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
