be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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