If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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