I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
