Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
