I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
