you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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