i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
