fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
