She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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