the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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