Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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