Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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