So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
