So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
