Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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