My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
