i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
