I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
