I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
