When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
