You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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