Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize