There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
