I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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