This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
