We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
