He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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