It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
