I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize