My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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