The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
