my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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