i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Randomize
