Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
