After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
