ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
