Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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